Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I miss the good old days Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope? M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit W: I despise you

   I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.

   Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.

   "Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs

   Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.

   Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion

   The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.

   A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".

   I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

   Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

   genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

   Captain: relax, it’s just a title Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

   DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE *crowd nervously looks at each other *meek yet courageous man steps up M: No.

   Me: *goes for midnight jog* My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

   7 years ago today I swallowed gum..... and now we wait

   My horoscope today just said "NOPE"

   Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

   Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...

   concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?

   Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting