Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   later is the best time to do anything

   It's national turkey club sandwich Friday. . .

   There is no security measure as ineffective as an apartment complex gate system.

   it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?

   Be honest....has ANYONE ever eaten the Fruit Cake they got for Christmas?

   My Christmas tree wasn't the only thing that got lit up last weekend!!

   For everyone that talks bad about Walmart, they now carry throw pillows that look like slices of pizza if you wanna take it all back.

   With winter less than a week away, I've come to the vivid realization that, as human beings, we've been shortchanged by nature. How come we don't get to hibernate?

   I have good news I passed my Stress Test the other day....I guess that means I officially have Stress !!!!

   Has anyone else considered the romantic possibilities of nachos and naps?

   Dateline's Keith Morrison can now be your GPS voice, which is awesome unless you put in a middle school in your GPS device...then instantly become a part of to Catch a Preditor.

   Flu stages: Day one, feel like dying. Day two: Afraid I'm dying. Day three: Afraid I'm not dying...

   How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.

   “Buy one get one free” deals are an attempt by retailers to manipulate your shopping habits. Demonstrate your superior willpower by purchasing five.

   I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?

   Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.