Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

   Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.

   When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses. That’s me in a nutshell.

   My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

   I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth

   Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

   "Hey. My eye is up here." - hurricanes

   Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?

   Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   I'm so old I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Just cant remember where and when that was?

   It's snowing! And I think I'll go outside now for 30 seconds to take a selfie so all my Facebook friends can see how much I love the snow.

   Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.

   I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.

   If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

   day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.