Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.

   Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.

   I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

   I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger

   Typing the word "skepticism" is like playing Pong with your keyboard

   "I don't have anywhere else to be, and this bag of lettuce is really interesting. I'll read every word on the back of it and then I'll put it back on the shelf." . . The person in front of me at the grocery store

   every toddler is just a mini version of Jack Skellington... "what's this, what's this"

   "Kill Bill" but it's me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

   you know your farts really stink when the dog get up and leaves the room

   Women aren’t hard to read For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your sh*t out You’re done bro

   A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.

   One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

   The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald's eating hotcakes and sausage.

   My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded,

   [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

   I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching The Wiggles over and over..

   Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

   Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon [later] Wife: pass me the rock sample bags Me: I thought you brought them

   I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.