Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me: [donating body to science] science: [donates my body to goodwill]

   I've always known my lifetime of alienating friends and family would one day pay off.

   I am trying to collect as many New England Patriots jerseys and t-shirts as possible. I want a stockpile in case the toilet paper shortage gets worse.

   public bathrooms are so cleaned and stocked up with toilet papers now

   WTF, everyone is talking about social distancing rule...Haven't we been doing that since we opened facebook accounts?

   Everyone sing along! Don't stand.... don't stand.... don't stand so close to me...

   Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

   Are Liquor Stores considered essential businesses and therefore required to remain open? Asking for a friend.

   If Martial Law is declared, do we stack the bodies of the home invaders and burglars at the curb on Trash Day? Asking for a friend.

   I wish they could talk about something besides the Coronavirus like the world just stopped. Oh wait it did.

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

   When I see all these zoom video chat conferences, I think of the opening scene of "The Brady Bunch"

   Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

   The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones

   What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

   Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

   Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked

   I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

   ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

   My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.