Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.

   Shortest 1st date ever she asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about..

   its impossible to play hide and seek with the dog

   Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby

   Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!

   I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.

   Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.

   OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".

   Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....

   Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.

   I feel safer knowing the Democrats are trying to make a watch list for people on watch lists..

   Your "Restroom For Customer Only" sign means nothing without a lock.

   Don't think I should wear my heart on my sleeve anymore....because that's usually where I sneeze and wipe my nose.

   I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.