Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.

   Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.

   For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.

   Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."

   The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.

   Canadian thanksgiving this weekend. Don’t forget to eat a beaver.

   Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

   If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?

   Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

   Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind

   Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

   I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

   Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

   Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!

   This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.

   I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her

   If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.

   Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.