Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout out to my neighbors for the 2 AM gun shots; I hope you enjoyed my 7 AM weed whacking.

   If out of all the things to protest in the world right now, you chose Ryan Lochte, I hope you get swimmer's ear.

   I show my coffeemaker the same love and affection you show your soul mate. And mine doesn't talk back.

   You haven't killed enough of your exes to give me relationship advice.

   I don't really care to people's opinions when I can hit their IQ on a dart board.

   Happiness is when you see your ex dating someone you can draw with your left hand

   Trying to eat healthier. Anyone know how many beers I have to drink to get all my daily vitamins?

   Sometimes I worry my wife will exclaim "let's go vegan!" and I'll have to sneak out in the middle of the night and take the kids with me.

   Wearing a football jersey to Buffalo Wild Wings is dad cosplay.

   I miss the '70s. The music. The clothes. The fact that I wasn't born yet.

   If a few years ago I'd have told a therapist I was having dreams that this election was happening I would've gotten some really good drugs.

   I'd rather watch a murderous horror flick than your wedding video.

   These robbers did not need guns, they could have threatened Kim K to put her clothes back on and she would have still fully cooperated.

   Kim Kardashian was robbed again in Paris because they needed re-shoots for her show.

   I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   You know, it's just like some clowns to give Ronald McDonald a bad rap running around all creepy like. . .

   Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.

   In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.

   Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.