Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....

   Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.

   Canadian thanksgiving this weekend. Don’t forget to eat a beaver.

   Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

   If aliens ever flew overhead and observed me walking my dog leading me around with a leash picking up his poop behind him I wonder if they would confused who's in charge of this world?

   Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

   Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind

   Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

   I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

   Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

   Like people who leave their Christmas decorations up all year I left my Halloween decorations up and saved a lot of work thanks to the spiders!

   This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.

   I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her

   If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.