Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

   Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars

   I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

   Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!

   To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

   Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.

   Revenge is a dish best served eventually

   It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime

   Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   Mrs. Huxtable is not gonna be pleased.

   Hi ho hi ho off to jail Bill goes

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe 'Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?'

   If you put a little red vest and a leash on your bowl of queso you can take it anywhere.

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

   Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"