Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.

   Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

   Just turned on the Sag awards to be disappointed it’s not about 70s porn stars....

   The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.

   Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.

   Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.

   You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out

   Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"

   I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly

   The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.

   And then my moral compass passed out.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.

   In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously

   Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.