Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.

   Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

   [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late

   Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

   *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.

   The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.

   If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.

   I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.

   when idiots do the "Tide pod challenge" & a friend records it, are they POD casting?

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   The Hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to Fart Quietly Again

   We all have at least one of those creepy friends who are sure to comment on a Facebook post/status when they see a female comment first

   Yeah ok a bug hit your windshield but did you ever think how this story is told among his family?

   A relationship is doomed from the beginning, when all you bring to the table is your private parts.

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

   Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .