Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.

   If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.

   I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.

   when idiots do the "Tide pod challenge" & a friend records it, are they POD casting?

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   The Hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to Fart Quietly Again

   We all have at least one of those creepy friends who are sure to comment on a Facebook post/status when they see a female comment first

   Yeah ok a bug hit your windshield but did you ever think how this story is told among his family?

   A relationship is doomed from the beginning, when all you bring to the table is your private parts.

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

   Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?

   You had me at let's get something to eat..

   Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.

   My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.

   Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Did you know chicken pot pie is my favorite 3 things?