Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   Got my DNA test back from Ancestry.com. They sent me a pack of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".

   Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money

   I wish I had as much closet space as people in horror movies.

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche.

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!

   I'm sure not many Brits are relieved May ended before May ended

   20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet

   Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

   I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...

   I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

   skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

   Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

   Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am. Now its coffee after 5 pm.

   Wish there was a way to turn horrible books back into trees.

   I'm just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

   That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.