Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!

   I'm sure not many Brits are relieved May ended before May ended

   20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet

   Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

   I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...

   I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

   skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

   Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

   Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am. Now its coffee after 5 pm.

   Wish there was a way to turn horrible books back into trees.

   I'm just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

   That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

   I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.

   Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

   [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late

   Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

   *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.

   The problem with glitter is when you get it on you, you can't get it off. Ever. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.