Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chris Brown allegedly pulled a gun on a woman. I'm shocked because he said he was sorry when he beat up Rihanna.

   In the future, everyone will have 15 minutes of blame.

   If Matt Lauer asks Tim Tebow about Aleppo it could break the internet.

   If this store knew anything about marketing there would be a wine display in the back to school supply section.

   When deaf kids sign curse words, do their parents threaten to wash their hands off with soap?

   I hate when I have to fake my own death to get out of a family function.

   Just saying if the NFL has any balls at all, Corey Feldman will be the Super Bowl halftime show.

   One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.

   Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.

   I will start to worry when there are mime sightings in my neighborhood.

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Siri, how much would I weigh if I had one of those machines from Star Trek that made food appear out of thin air?

   hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone.

   Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!

   Broke me would like to thank the rich me that had the foresight to stock enough beer that I am now drinking.

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.