Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a case of corona from walmart and I never felt better!

   Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower after my husband.

   I'm sorry I removed you from my friends-list. But it's my new policy in dealing with folks who annoy the f*****g s**t out of me.

   I've been staring at my ceiling fan thinking if it could hold my weight, this quarantine thing would be way more enjoyable.

   worm: sorry I slept in hey where is everyone

   Are bank robbers eligible for unemployment?

   Everytime I decline a friends request from Jerry Garcia I always wonder what if?

   “How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

   I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

   Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.

   I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

   People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?

   Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

   for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.

   Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger

   My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

   How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   Canadas imagration website has crashed. No joke.