Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.

   I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.

   Be careful if you are thinking of getting a rescue dog. My grandma got one and when she fell and couldn't get up. The rescue dog just sat there staring at her.

   Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.

   "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy

   I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

   Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.

   I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.

   I seem to have discovered a new diet plan that appears to be really working for me that's called The Cost Of Food.

   If you get a full 8 hours of sleep do you die?

   Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!

   Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.

   Weather forecasters have identified yet another tropical depression in the Atlantic Region which could potentially grow into a mega storm of epic proportions. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has appropriately named it Common Core Math

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!

   When I was a kid I thought I would never grow up to be the type of person to go out running every morning. And I was right.

   You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.