Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I have to fake my own death to get out of a family function.

   Just saying if the NFL has any balls at all, Corey Feldman will be the Super Bowl halftime show.

   One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.

   Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.

   I will start to worry when there are mime sightings in my neighborhood.

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Siri, how much would I weigh if I had one of those machines from Star Trek that made food appear out of thin air?

   hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone.

   Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!

   Broke me would like to thank the rich me that had the foresight to stock enough beer that I am now drinking.

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.

   I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

   Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

   the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat

   The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.

   My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.

   Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.