Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I'm not an actor.

   skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

   Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it? Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

   Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am. Now its coffee after 5 pm.

   Wish there was a way to turn horrible books back into trees.

   I'm just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

   That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

   I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.

   Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

   [my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor's note if you're gonna be late

   Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

   *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

   How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   Canadas imagration website has crashed. No joke.

   Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.