Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"

   If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

   Don't forget to reset your calendars December 31st at midnight!

   To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

   A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   I wonder why nobody from the retirement community attended my lecture on "Youth in Asia"?

   Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

   If you're over 18 but under 21 and are arrested for drinking alcohol, you can be charged as an adult for being under aged.

   Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This

   Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

   I don't care what you look like as long as you don't smell bad.

   aaargh ... just what I need is for my Wife to have another reason to demand I stay at least six feet away from her at all times.

   All professional sports are cancelled, and we aren't supposed to touch ourselves. Men who don't play video games are gonna have a lot of time to kill this weekend.

   Want to hear a coronavirus joke? Don't worry you wont get it.

   Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

   If soap kills the virus maybe these tide pod eating idiots had a point

   I got a case of corona from walmart and I never felt better!

   Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower after my husband.

   I'm sorry I removed you from my friends-list. But it's my new policy in dealing with folks who annoy the f*****g s**t out of me.

   I've been staring at my ceiling fan thinking if it could hold my weight, this quarantine thing would be way more enjoyable.