Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.

   My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.

   I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.

   Be careful if you are thinking of getting a rescue dog. My grandma got one and when she fell and couldn't get up. The rescue dog just sat there staring at her.

   Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.

   "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy

   I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

   Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.

   I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.

   I seem to have discovered a new diet plan that appears to be really working for me that's called The Cost Of Food.

   If you get a full 8 hours of sleep do you die?

   Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!

   Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.

   Weather forecasters have identified yet another tropical depression in the Atlantic Region which could potentially grow into a mega storm of epic proportions. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has appropriately named it Common Core Math

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!