Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

   A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

   I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

   the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

   I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away

   subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay

   Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

   So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.

   Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

   "Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot

   I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.