Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.

   You know the economy is bad when...Congress decides to keep their hands in their OWN pockets.

   Wished they would make roads wider so I could drive sideways and not hit anything

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?

   After getting out of bed and not seeing the shoe that one of my dogs left in hallway, I have come to the conclusion that gravity is a b!tch.

   facebook is having its epic fail at this very moment!

   bp should practice what they preach, Seen at every BP gas station is a sign that reads "Do not leave pumps unattended, you are responsible for spills"...

   My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.

   I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

   Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

   the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat

   The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.

   My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.

   Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

   Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.

   Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.