Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?

   After getting out of bed and not seeing the shoe that one of my dogs left in hallway, I have come to the conclusion that gravity is a b!tch.

   bp should practice what they preach, Seen at every BP gas station is a sign that reads "Do not leave pumps unattended, you are responsible for spills"...

   How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?

   Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.

   Canadas imagration website has crashed. No joke.

   Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   I'm compiling my 2018 resolutions now, just because I know I can procrastinate some times..

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager

   Remember when 'sex,drugs & rocknroll meant something other than 'sundays, anti-depressants & turn it down?'

   I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.. Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.