Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this college basketball game is presented to you by Bud Light.....but we wont sell it just to piss you off!

   Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

   . No, "Thank You" isn't a lot to say outwardly, but it's all I CAN say when all other words fail me. Thank You....endlessly.

   In retrospect, everything is foreshadowing.

   Wished they would make roads wider so I could drive sideways and not hit anything

   facebook is having its epic fail at this very moment!

   bp should practice what they preach, Seen at every BP gas station is a sign that reads "Do not leave pumps unattended, you are responsible for spills"...

   After getting out of bed and not seeing the shoe that one of my dogs left in hallway, I have come to the conclusion that gravity is a b!tch.

   I'd stand a much greater chance at checking out those spam porn emails if they didn't read something like, "young cuties horses XXX mother/son gangbang bondage erotica!" Uh, all at the same time, or...?

   The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.

   You know the economy is bad when...Congress decides to keep their hands in their OWN pockets.

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.