Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't beat them, then you didn't swing hard enough the first time.

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 26yrs!

   out messing with sasquatch.

   American Gladiator sports such as the giant hamster rolling ball thing should be introduced at the next olympics.

   The international symbol for marriage is a white flag.

   Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other coworkers" and I circled "absolutely false"?

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.

   It's a lot easier to fall into trouble than it is to work out of it.

   Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

   I'm the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep.

   Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.

   How can someone go out to buy groceries and end up in a pub?

   Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

   has done the mathematical calculations... Tuesday is the humpday of a 3-day work week.

   You can't worry about what ifs friend you have to live in the moment.

   I don’t write to please you. I write to pretend that I write to please you.

   I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!

   Every man is entitled to his opinion but nobody is entitled to his own facts." - Daniel Patrick Moynihan

   You know it's over when she starts liking and commenting on some other guy's posts and pics.

   I saw 3 people pick up after their dogs this morning. Top of the food chain? .. Yeah right