Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   Be careful of those 'dream girls' guys. They'll often end as nightmares.

   Forget a Klondike Bar. Ask me what I'd do for a Xanax bar.

   Don't tell my pillow I said this, but, I don't think he'll ever fulfill his dreams of becoming a hairstylist.

   Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal.

   'You're still a rockstar' I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.

   Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.

   The international symbol for marriage is a white flag.

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.

   It's a lot easier to fall into trouble than it is to work out of it.

   just herd Jeopardy will pitting human contestants against a computer named "Watson"; TERMINATOR BEGINS! O_O

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 26yrs!

   out messing with sasquatch.

   American Gladiator sports such as the giant hamster rolling ball thing should be introduced at the next olympics.

   If you can't beat them, then you didn't swing hard enough the first time.

   Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

   I'm the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep.

   Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.

   How can someone go out to buy groceries and end up in a pub?