Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ummm,,, So when you see a gift horse... Where exactly should you be looking???

   I have a great idea for improving Coldplay concerts. Stop the show halfway through and feature a 15 minute football game.

   I'm so old...I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor!

   Nice try, St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t need a reason to drink.

   My 3 year old can speak 60 words a minute... With gusts up to 90

   You really understand how drunk you are when you're peeing...

   Interesting Fact: I only order meals in restaurants and fast food places solely based on what'll look best on Instagram since 2012.

   Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles.

   I feel sorry for people that haven't found their true love. My ex is on her 5th.

   I learned something from Prince. To aim as high as one possibly can when writing songs. That's why I never made it big. I never aimed high enough. I wrote a song called Little Red Chevette.

   What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

   My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   Be careful of those 'dream girls' guys. They'll often end as nightmares.

   Forget a Klondike Bar. Ask me what I'd do for a Xanax bar.

   Don't tell my pillow I said this, but, I don't think he'll ever fulfill his dreams of becoming a hairstylist.

   Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal.