Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .

   In hockey and in women.. periods temporarily stop the fun .

   Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

   Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor

   Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

   If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.