Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

   If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

   Why don't top sheets have a fitted bottom so that mf'er stays tucked in?

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   Popeyes favorite tool never rusted because he kept sticking it in Olive Oil.

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.

   That does it!!!! .... Melania and Michelle are going to have to settle this like real women ...... Time for a winner takes all mud wrestling contest!!! Heck ... I'd pay to see that .... Donald .... You listening?

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   At this point an all nighter simply means I didn't need to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.