Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...

   Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.

   Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes