Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.

   Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

   You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.

   [50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

   imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

   I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

   Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.