Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   black lives matter on or off this week?

   On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.

   Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood

   Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...

   Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   After today's news, I am pretty sure the Clinton's kryptonite is Weiners.

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .