Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   A “Tap Out” sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley

   Does this status make me look fat?

   I would beat the sh*t out of the kid who plays Joffrey in Game of thrones. I don’t care if it’s just acting.

   All the clowns hated the one female clown because it took forever to get everyone in and out of the car every 30 minutes for her to pee.

   My Wife was reading the newspaper this morning and yelled "Honey, the sales add says the dealership will make it easy to get a new car for your spouse this weekend!"..... Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   I make my coffee so strong it wakes the neighbors up....

   Children of divorce like to complain, yet I'm the one who had to deal with both parents day in and day out.

   Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.

   It's almost noon and still nobody has peeled me a grape. Worst. Father's Day. Ever.

   If time is money Facebook owes me like...29 billion dollars...

   Bought a new boomerang today but I'm having trouble throwing away the old one.

   I wonder if Guinness has a world record for "number of times you've had the exact same argument".

   I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke

   Flexible people are lucky, when they feel a lack of praise, they can bend over and kiss their own asses :P

   i keep arguing with myself.. sometimes I wish I would just shut up and mind my own business!

   Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money! I'm just sayin'.

   going rabbit hunting

   why do they call them Booby traps when there are no Boobs invlolved?