Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee Shop Sign: Unattended children will be given double espressos and made wild promises about what Santa is bringing them.

   Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon.

   Kinda want to text you, kinda what to block your number.

   Stop saying I'm hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is.

   Lesser men would have given up after twenty years of outrageous fame and fortune, but Leo persevered, and now he has a small trophy.

   If Wendy's think their square burgers are so awesome, why don't they use square buns??

   Plot twist: you can't play the guitar on the MTV, gotta work for money and chicks aren't free.

   If Steve Buscemi can have a movie career surely there is hope for us all.

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   A “Tap Out” sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley

   Does this status make me look fat?

   I would beat the sh*t out of the kid who plays Joffrey in Game of thrones. I don’t care if it’s just acting.

   All the clowns hated the one female clown because it took forever to get everyone in and out of the car every 30 minutes for her to pee.

   My Wife was reading the newspaper this morning and yelled "Honey, the sales add says the dealership will make it easy to get a new car for your spouse this weekend!"..... Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   I make my coffee so strong it wakes the neighbors up....

   Children of divorce like to complain, yet I'm the one who had to deal with both parents day in and day out.

   Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.

   It's almost noon and still nobody has peeled me a grape. Worst. Father's Day. Ever.

   If time is money Facebook owes me like...29 billion dollars...