Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.

   True friend, if your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you.

   Misery may love company, but the miserable rarely have company.

   Facebook keeps telling me your friends are waiting, go use friend finder to find your friends. stfu seriously go find your own friends facebook and leave me the hell alone.

   So today I have to write my review for work. What's the best way to put, “I golfed over 200 rounds this last summer while you paid me to be at my office?”

   Boy.... That sure is a lot of attitude for someone wearing panda ear rings.

   Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive and talk on the phone, but not me though because I can drive with my knees.

   See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.

   Honoring those that forgot all the rules inflicted on you as a child. Those that forgot how to spank a kid's ass when they misbehave. Those that shamelessly spoil your kid, hype them up on sugar and then send them home. ♥ Happy Grandparent's Day <3

   Some people need to do things to try and impress simply because their personality doesn't

   I can't wait to hear all of my favorite songs used in sh*tty commercials when I'm older!

   Alternating between shots of tequila and espresso because I want to be an alert drunk tonight.

   I feel bad for the guy who smoked poison ivy during the trial and error phase of what will get you high, and what will kill you.

   Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

   watching Bear Grylls to get new ideas for my grocery list.

   never give up...often success is just a step away!