Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   so lindsay was caught jumpin a gate tryna escape rehab for a soda.. I'm guessin it was coke.. .

   I came up with a stupid status today, but I forgot what it was.

   See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.

   Honoring those that forgot all the rules inflicted on you as a child. Those that forgot how to spank a kid's ass when they misbehave. Those that shamelessly spoil your kid, hype them up on sugar and then send them home. ♥ Happy Grandparent's Day <3

   Some people need to do things to try and impress simply because their personality doesn't

   I can't wait to hear all of my favorite songs used in sh*tty commercials when I'm older!

   Alternating between shots of tequila and espresso because I want to be an alert drunk tonight.

   I feel bad for the guy who smoked poison ivy during the trial and error phase of what will get you high, and what will kill you.

   Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

   just drove passed a Budweiser Delivery truck wrecked on the side of the freeway, oh the humanity... I'd like a moment of silence please...

   Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   determined to slam a revolving door...I will do this!

   Nothing will cure your baseball game hunger for a hotdog than a fat guy sitting in front of you with a 5 inch butt crack staring at you.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Life insurance advertisements during "Final Destination". Touché insurance companies... touché

   goin to go to wal-mart and when the intercom comes on sit in an isle rock back and forth saying the voices are back!