Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you.... and try to stay away from the ones that already have teethmarks in them....

   if you still don't think money doesn't matter, name the last rich person we deported...

   Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!

   Too many faithful girls are single, and too many h&es are taken.

   what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?? A WIDOW!!

   83% of the dialogue in my relationship consists of "Where's the cat?".

   I don't know how to live, I'm just improvising from day to day.

   "That's it. I'm done. I'm never hanging out at a swimming pool again."~ Marco Polo

   Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

   Own any thing you want, but don’t let any thing own you.

   Luckily, this pretty, single girl has me for a neighbor. My 24 hour surveillance is keeping all the pervs away…

   Just because I don't refute all of your crazy rants does not mean I agree, it means I have your feed blocked.

   My wife sure gets a kick out of my restless leg syndrome.

   My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   This is going to make Thanksgiving uncomfortable next year at the Harbaugh house.

   Girls, holding in your farts has got to be an even more nerve wrecking dilemma when your man is spooning you right?

   I love Facebook because I can't afford gas for my car anymore so it's the only way I can visit with anyone now.

   Some call it "being naive", I call it "just not caring enough to look into it any further" ...

   I like my women like I like my ribs. Sticky and all over my fingers.