Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

   Poor Hillary can't get a break. She was at a Chinese restaurant, and when she cracked open the fortune cookie, a ballot with Trump's name was in it.

   Apparently referring to a Menage at Trois as a 2 for 1 snack pack will get your Christian Mingle profile deleted

   I’m sorry our dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.

   Dr. Phil was on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your arse* beat”!

   my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

   I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

   Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

   Remember: Wearing a mask when driving a car by yourself is only helpful if you stole the car.

   I wonder if Bill Cosby's hoping to be on Trump's final pardon list today

   If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

   Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

   Inauguration Day 2017 Gas $2.29 Dow 19,819 NASDAQ 5560.7 Unemployment 4.7% Posting this so it will come up in my memories in 2020.

   Atlanta won the popular vote

   If your boyfriend wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

   it just me or has this World Cup been on for like 149 years?

   You got 99 problems??well I got 99 bottles of beer on the wall that will solve everything

   its always a good friday when your getting paid

   You know you need to go grocery shopping when your grapes start tasting like wine