Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

   Poor Hillary can't get a break. She was at a Chinese restaurant, and when she cracked open the fortune cookie, a ballot with Trump's name was in it.

   my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

   I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

   Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

   Remember: Wearing a mask when driving a car by yourself is only helpful if you stole the car.

   I wonder if Bill Cosby's hoping to be on Trump's final pardon list today

   If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

   Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

   How high can Mexicans climb?,,,,,,,,,#TrumpsGoogleHistory

   You got 99 problems??well I got 99 bottles of beer on the wall that will solve everything

   its always a good friday when your getting paid

   You know you need to go grocery shopping when your grapes start tasting like wine

   COMING SOON... OSAMA ON PARADE, sources say he will be dragged behind a series of army hummers, police cruisers and firetrucks,he will be taken to ground zero and they will charge 20 dollars to piss on his body, thus clearing our national debt!!

   wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

   She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

   Why can't Horatio Caine figure out Dexter Morgan is a serial killer?

   By forecasting freezing rain, the weatherman told us to have an ice day.

   There's an 80% chance that a meteorologist is going to be wrong.

   I would kill to see a Dave Chapelle Charley Murphy: True Hollywood Story of Charlie Sheen... :\