Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want my tombstone to say "Watch where your standing... that hurts!"

   If I ever Google "things to eat in my fridge" and list is correct thats when I'll really be impressed with Google Earth.

   What's everyone doing for Labor day?? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and head over to the maternity ward..... :) :) :)

   The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

   College was the most expensive nap I ever took.

   A cop tried to pull me over for not having a rear-view mirror, but I didn't see him.

   ‎Some girls are angels and some are devils smart enough to look like one

   I don't keep up with such things, but is there a male Eastern European porn star named Vlad the Impaler yet?

   ____ is thankful that I don't have a "swear jar" today. That son-of-a-b!tch would be filled right to the top.

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and waved. He then decided to give me the "bird."

   I find it astonishing I can remember every wordto Wild Wild West by Will Smith, which I haven't heard in 10 years, but can't find my keys

   The Netherlands have 800 miles of massive dikes? That's one hell of a parade.

   Facebook.. Where ugly people try to convince the world that they're cute..

   Let's hope that Bin-Laden didn't make horcruxes.

   A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.

   If the world ends tomarrow like they say I'm just glad I maxed out my credit cards.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   About 50% of the time “good luck” means “effff you.”

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   The sex is better when they don't belong to you.