Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not stalking if you're asleep and I wake you with a BJ. That's called a gift.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"

   Fellas: No woman will bother going after your heart if all you talk about is how fat your bank account is and how big your d*ck is. You sell what you advertise.

   You know that hole in the glass at the movie theater that you talk through to get your tickets? I think that's called an askhole.

   Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.

   If I cared, I'd draw you a map of your a$$ with an X marking the spot where your head is buried.

   Dear Raisin Bran: Two scoops my a$$.

   Your body might be trying to tell you something, shut it up with cheese

   Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...

   Clearly - Tiger Woods is getting laid again......

   A condom? Come on baby... it's the rapture!

   Being married anonymous:::: Hi my name is Ralph I'm a husband and it's been 3 months since my last decision....

   Alot of people look up to me... Mostly midgets and children, but its just nice knowing that...

   If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh.

   If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.

   Zombway....Eat Flesh.