Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.
←Rate | 07-04-2011 10:34 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I cared, I'd draw you a map of your a$$ with an X marking the spot where your head is buried.
←Rate | 07-09-2011 08:25 by BAD GUY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Raisin Bran: Two scoops my a$$.
←Rate | 07-17-2011 12:22 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your body might be trying to tell you something, shut it up with cheese
←Rate | 08-04-2011 03:41 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.
←Rate | 04-02-2011 18:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...
←Rate | 04-06-2011 19:23 by scottyp Comments (0)  


   messageicon Clearly - Tiger Woods is getting laid again......
←Rate | 04-10-2011 17:45 by Bill Comments (0)  


   messageicon A condom? Come on baby... it's the rapture!
←Rate | 05-21-2011 14:45 by sully Comments (0)  


   messageicon Being married anonymous:::: Hi my name is Ralph I'm a husband and it's been 3 months since my last decision....
←Rate | 05-22-2011 21:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Alot of people look up to me... Mostly midgets and children, but its just nice knowing that...
←Rate | 06-09-2011 13:52 by AMS Comments (0)  


   messageicon If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh.
←Rate | 06-13-2011 16:34 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
←Rate | 06-19-2011 00:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Zombway....Eat Flesh.
←Rate | 09-14-2011 13:02 by JustCuz Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid my family was so poor that the only time we got to eat meat was when we bit our tongue!
←Rate | 04-20-2011 04:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you're high when you look in the mirror ..and your reflection is Charlie Sheen!
←Rate | 04-21-2011 19:25 by hovo Comments (0)  


   messageicon the story of the Good Samaritan was being told a Sunday school class. The teacher asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, 'I think I'd throw up!'
←Rate | 05-01-2011 12:15 by Franklin Graham Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm putting together a crew for the Rapture, Just booked 4 Penske trucks for Sunday. I'm still in need of 2 drivers and 8 laborers. Meet me at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 6:00 AM Saturday, a BBQ will follow
←Rate | 05-18-2011 22:29 by jdpower Comments (0)  


   messageicon The term “nymphomaniac” has been shortened to “college girls”.
←Rate | 05-19-2011 12:53 by jammer Comments (0)  


   messageicon note to self, next time at the sperm bank.. when offered 'adult materials', don't give a quick wink to the nurse and say "no thanks, I've got a great imagination".
←Rate | 02-11-2011 01:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please tell your booty to stop calling me! Its over, it needs to accept it and move on.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 19:24 Comments (0)  




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