Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2802 of 6447

Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.

If I cared, I'd draw you a map of your a$$ with an X marking the spot where your head is buried.
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07-09-2011 08:25 by BAD GUY
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Dear Raisin Bran: Two scoops my a$$.

Your body might be trying to tell you something, shut it up with cheese
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08-04-2011 03:41 by flinnie
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Bragging to me you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.
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04-02-2011 18:57
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If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...
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04-06-2011 19:23 by scottyp
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Clearly - Tiger Woods is getting laid again......
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04-10-2011 17:45 by Bill
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A condom? Come on baby... it's the rapture!
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05-21-2011 14:45 by sully
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Being married anonymous:::: Hi my name is Ralph I'm a husband and it's been 3 months since my last decision....
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05-22-2011 21:38
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Alot of people look up to me... Mostly midgets and children, but its just nice knowing that...
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06-09-2011 13:52 by AMS
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If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh.

If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
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06-19-2011 00:19
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Zombway....Eat Flesh.
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09-14-2011 13:02 by JustCuz
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When I was a kid my family was so poor that the only time we got to eat meat was when we bit our tongue!
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04-20-2011 04:57
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You know you're high when you look in the mirror ..and your reflection is Charlie Sheen!
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04-21-2011 19:25 by hovo
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the story of the Good Samaritan was being told a Sunday school class. The teacher asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, 'I think I'd throw up!'

I'm putting together a crew for the Rapture, Just booked 4 Penske trucks for Sunday. I'm still in need of 2 drivers and 8 laborers. Meet me at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 6:00 AM Saturday, a BBQ will follow
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05-18-2011 22:29 by jdpower
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The term “nymphomaniac” has been shortened to “college girls”.
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05-19-2011 12:53 by jammer
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note to self, next time at the sperm bank.. when offered 'adult materials', don't give a quick wink to the nurse and say "no thanks, I've got a great imagination".
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02-11-2011 01:40
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Please tell your booty to stop calling me! Its over, it needs to accept it and move on.
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02-17-2011 19:24
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