Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate the term chubby chaser, fat chicks don't run.

   Democrats want to raise the min wage for two reasons: 1) more votes, and 2) more tax dollars. They know it will only raise prices, making it worthless. They also know most min wage earners don’t know this…

   It must suck not to be American. It seems all these foreigners are big whiners. Serious inferiority complex going on there. Why are you so preoccupied with us? Wah, wah, wahhhhh. Shut up already.

   OK ladies; for the last time, stop the birthday month crap. You get one day, not a whole month you greedy b****es.

   Bruce Jenner winning Glamour's woman of the year award just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman.

   Men are such a pain in the ass. But then you get used to the penetration and it feels amazing.

   I rubbed my cats back and forth on the carpet for ten minutes, now they can shoot lightning out of their eyes, They're running around playing laser tag.

   Just found out I have some Native American in me. Well, that explains why I hate all of you.

   What's brown and rhymes with snoop?.......................Dr Dre.

   it's better to lose a lover than to love a loser

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   My son brought home his new girlfriend for Sunday dinner. The verdict? Flat-chested, fat cankles, and a cottage-cheese ass. Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism.

   being home all day with my kids don't affect me at all. Now let me go tinkle on the potty before we go bye-bye to din-din I'm so hun-gee!

   My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS...Its not!..It's about crabs.

   I'm more confused than Ricky Martin's kids on mother's day.

   Why do brides wear white? So they match the other kitchen appliances.

   I LOVE beating women... ...to the door so I can hold it open for them

   Heads up folks. Apparently the little AAA stickers don't count as "proof" of insurance. That is all...

   Anti-Birth Control Christians should remember that when G0d said 'Be fruitful & multiply' there were only 2 ppl on Earth.