Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants you to read this status. Keep reading it... There, now I have full control over your mind. Now give me a hot dog!

   You do know that COLTS stand for Count On Loosing The Superbowl!!

   If you are a Dude. and your wallpost showed how excited you Were about Jersey Shore Last nite. Your Automatically Gay!

   On the 4th day of rioting my tru love gave to me, 3 Nike trainers, two ps3's, and a samsung HDTV !

   I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like I fear youll meet someone else and youll leave me and I'll be all alone. And she was like what do you fear? Bears

   You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   Every man will claim he's different. Every man will claim he's loyal. Every man will claim he is your knight in shining amour. Every man will claim he is your prince. But no man will ever claim he is full of sh*t.

   Just because she weighed as much as TWO women...doesn't mean you had a threesome

   Don't you hate when you read all the long post and can't find in funny? What a waste of time...

   We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police!

   I'm so out of shape, I threw my back out taking a poop!

   I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought "That's just spam."

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   My six year old nephew asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   When Jennifer Aniston cuts her hair, it makes headlines on CNN. When I cut my hair, my wife tells me to stop trimming my balls over the sink

   I like my wine like I like my men, inside me.

   I would like to tell you a joke about covid but 99% of you won’t get it......

   If you like your own status, you should take your own hand and punch you in your face.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer update?