Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw clash of the titans last night, my mother in law won the battle.

   I'm installing plywood doors in my house so I can karate chop them down like a badass when I enter each room.

   Dear Mr 21st Century Public Bathroom Door Maker,..... am really tired of having to duck and dodge people when am on the JOHN taken care of busniess can you please make a FULL SIZE DOOR without any DOOR CRACKS on the sides!!!!! gee thanks!!

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   You never lose by loving . You always lose by holding back !!

   Back in my day, evolution simply meant a more badass Pokemon.

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Mastercard, on Visa.

   why is that everything is the same day by day, but in 5 years everything is so different?

   hates shoving snow...is there an app for that?

   Winter always reminds to think ahead for the springtime...meaning...gotta find somewhere to hide the bodies when the snow thaws.......

   The dogbone cutout cookies didn't exactly keep their shape after baking. What am I going to do with 12 dozen double pe#is shaped cookies?

   Notice: Thank you for noticing this notice. Your noticing this notice has been noticed.

   robs tip for students #546- Teachers know when you're texting. Sincerely, No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles

   Sometimes, I think facbook doesn't know me at all. People You May Know? I don't know any of these MoFo's!!!

   There's plenty of room for all God's creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes.

   Password retrieval question: "What is the square root of a pineapple?" Hack that biatch!

   sings "I want to be a hundredaire so freaking bad"

   A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for some batteries. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said,"Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

   Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

   I read that the first vibrator was created to cure women who had hysteria....So I guess they created the first vacuum hose to cure men high blood pressure...