Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my wife looks at me she still thinks "I'd hit that", but she is thinking about my face, not my body.

   99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

   seems to have replaced Sex with Food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

   I can't find my "Where's Waldo" book. Looks like he's won before we even started.

   When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them, I know that when I meet them I'll be insulted.

   They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.

   while seeking revenge dig 2 graves.....................one for yourself

   Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.

   "Careful with fire" is good advice we know. "Careful with words" is ten times doubly so

   If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   n't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?

   wants every ending to be a HAPPY ending ! :-D

   you know my name not my story.

   apprantly I told my dog to go to his room until he was ready to talk, thats how drunk I was.

   You only eat candy corn when there's no other candy to eat.

   If you enjoy wasting time, then is it really time wasted?

   R.E.M. just recorded a new version of their '90s classic "Everybody Hurts" especially for their older fans. New title: "Everything Hurts"