Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only people who complain about FB having to much drama...is the people who just got caught doing something they wasnt supposed to be doing

   Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.

   so broke, the bank manager came and took the calendar back...

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   It is now legal to carry concealed weapons in church in Louisiana. I'm thinking that confession just got a LOT more interesting.

   You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.

   can't wait until Weight Watchers releases its own line of booze

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   if you have trouble tying knots...handcuffs make the perfect gift

   It's not that I need a girlfirend its just that I was told I need some adult supervision. So getting a teenage sitters didn't qualify.

   thinks any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.

   It is friggin' cold folks...feels like about 5 degrees with a shrinkage factor of ~9...well, at least for some of us...

   now on two diets...because she was still hungry after just one

   You know its going to be a bad week when you got a case of the Mondays on a Tuesday.

   Charlie Sheen stole Brett Favre's cell phone.

   At the grocery store tonight, I looked down into our basket and realized we live with old people. :(

   off to kill plants and zombies.

   thinks maybe Kanye should take his toys and go play with Joy Bahar. I'm sure she needs the ratings.

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   What? Pale anti-social skinny white guys are now considered sexy! Thank you Twilight!!