Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm amazed at how some people have survived this far in life

   I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.

   You have my full undivided attention. Sorry I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to my phone.

   I like to argue with my wife until I ask her "What do you want me to do?" and she responds "Nothing." Free pass to lay on the couch and drink beer... mission accomplished.

   If you've lost your appetite today, I think I have it.

   If you have crazy friends, you have everything.

   the day I stop drinking is the day johny walker stop walking

   No! No, Bryant Gumbel!! We DON'T want to see Katie Couric "twerk"! PLEASE don't ask her again!

   Judging by these FB & T witter quotes attributed to her, Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.

   My friends 13 year old has never heard of CCR and now I've never questioned his parenting more. Only you can prevent Beliebers folks.

   My blood test came back "vodka".

   As if those Starbucks barista's weren't already self righteous enough, now they're going to enlighten me on racial issues??

   Lipstick shade idea: Netflix Red

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.

   Marriage isn't so bad, when you're in a coma.

   I just read that Kanye West is furious at "Vogue" for putting Lena Dunham on the cover instead of Kim Kardashian. Also making Kanye West furious? Umbrellas, garden gnomes, unicorns, public parks, extension cords, pita bread, Diet Coke..

   A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."

   What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.