Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women spend their whole lives thinking they are fat when they are perfect. Men spend their lives thinking they are perfect even when they are Fat !

   Dr. Fauci said we must limit stores to 10 looters at a time.

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   Matt Lauer got his journalism degree in a Bazooka Joe comic.

   Breaking News: The DOJ has released new guidelines. You can no longer use the term looting when talking about protests. The new PC term is now " Revenge shopping "

   7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.

   Thanks for bringing back a lot of classic diseases, anti-vaxxers!

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   When your girlfriend says "Oh HE is my best friend" your relationship is already over

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

   This police sketch artist has no idea that he's about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   Weird how it’s always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

   Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.

   Ignorance begets overconfidence and it is harmful when these people are in positions of authority.

   if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you

   There are a million different ways to say "I Love You": "Put your seat belt on", "Watch your step", "Did you eat?", "Get some rest". You just have to listen.

   Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.

   The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.