Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

   Aman ; I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... apparently, she left me yesterday.

   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

   *me filing for unemployment* Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours Me: so you’re only open 4 hours Unemployment Office: yes any other questions Me: yes how do I work at the unemployme

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   If MSNBC wants to know where all the detained girls are, then should start by looking in Judge Moore's basement!

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   Women spend their whole lives thinking they are fat when they are perfect. Men spend their lives thinking they are perfect even when they are Fat !

   Dr. Fauci said we must limit stores to 10 looters at a time.

   I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.

   Matt Lauer got his journalism degree in a Bazooka Joe comic.

   Breaking News: The DOJ has released new guidelines. You can no longer use the term looting when talking about protests. The new PC term is now " Revenge shopping "

   7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.

   Hillary's poll numbers are dropping faster than Bill Clinton's pants in an Arkansas trailer park

   R.I.P. Janet Reno. But at least she'll still be voting for Hillary.

   ..... "The system is rigged!!!" ------ Hillary Clinton.

   This, too, shall suck.