Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."

   It's completely impossible to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" without looking like a retard...

   Looking right through a woman's sundress as she walks away from me. Sunshine rules.

   no I don't mind telling you how to go to hell: take a right on kiss my a$$ lane, go straight on f**k off way, then pull in and park at the intersection on bite me road and go f**k yourself avenue

   Okay, enough already! We get it, you like to post music from you tube of your favorite band. But that doesn't mean every song!!

   not thinking too much today, therefore I might not be.

   The less people you chill with, the less drama you deal with.

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth-awareness, 'Get Yourself Tested' & Buy or lease a new Hummer this Christmas...Great so, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving slut that dosen't care about the environment???

   Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

   The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

   So its the day after christmas. boxing day for some; discount shopping to others; toilet blow out day for all who stuff the sh*t out of there bellys at that family member house! Good luck and hang in there.

   Every time someone asks me for directions, I navigate them to the nearest bar or strip club. That will teach them to buy a GPS.

   Figure out what you want otherwise others will just string you along to accomplish what THEY want.

   Ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, thank me

   Just because you change a earlier post from Mom to Dad or Brother to Sister doesn't make it any funnier !!

   I am a wizard with the ladies. Okay, well, I can make them disappear.

   How do you walk like an Egyptian in 2011? You don't. Running across streets, flipping cars, and setting fires are the prerequistes

   I'm was wondering, just what funky music WAS that white boy playing anyway?

   If you went to High School with your girlfriend's grandfather, you might be a Hugh Heffner.

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.