Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   64 tornados in North Carolina alone. Can we turn our attention to our own for once and send money to some Americans instead of Japan?

   French vanilla is just like regular vanilla except it smokes too much cigarettes and doesn't bathe.

   Let the Red Sox annoyance begin.....ugh!

   Chicago has proved exactly how tolerant the left is towards things like free speech, open debate, and open elections.

   A guy goes into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "Can I help you?" The duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

   If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

   Having slanted eyes suck! Cant see sh!t when I smile!

   This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

   Dear god I love you and always will..but can you explain one thing to me :::: Mosquitos ...WHY..???

   ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ scratch and you can win free cats for life

   If I'm going to go to the trouble of wishing your sorry, unknown, only 87 friends a$$ a happy birthday, the least you could do is acknowledge it with a "like".

   if you want to post akward moment jokes and not have it redirect spell "akward wrong"

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   I hate people that eat like there's no tomorrow and don't get fat.

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements ツ

   ♫♪ It's a quarter after one; I'm a little drunk and I need you now....♪♫ Sounds just a tad better than it's 1:15, I'm Trashed & Horny let's get busy...

   thought "John & Kate Plus 8" sounded like a porno-- Now, definitely, "Kate Plus 8" really sounds like one.

   used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he's good at everything.