Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help us to find the right person!

   I didn't eat your magic mushrooms, the talking purple unicorn did!

   I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is... I won!

   the 80s had the best 80s music.

   Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.

   comment "An acute failure of the victim selection process." next time someone post the video of the fat kid body slaming the little bully

   I went outside once.... The graphics were alright, but the gameplay sucked

   When someone yells STOP, I don't know if it's In the Name of Love, it's Hammertime, or that I should Stop, Collaborate, and Listen.

   A girl plays with your mind, A woman explores it.

   I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

   If we're not supposed to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the fridge?

   Voicemail should be renamed “messages from people over 40″

   Still don't understand why people say Happy Cinco de Mayo to us. It's not our independence so shut up!

   Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.

   They should play porn on gas station pump tvs so you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time.

   It's definitely gonna end on 21 Dec 2012. Not the world but the rumor!

   If you ever feel Stupid just think;There are people out there who won't vaccinate their children,but pay for an anti virus for their computer. Let that sink in.

   i'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings

   If God had meant for today to be perfect, he wouldn't have invented tomorrow.

   I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again. I wasn't injured, I'm just really lazy.