Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're in the shower, you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, now I'll have to fight the attacker naked..."

   Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

   The worst one-liner was probably the Titanic.

   If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   Nothing good ever goes down behind beaded curtains.

   Anybody know where I can purchase a George Zimmerman hoodie?

   I don’t know why people will get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.

   Loves a man in uniform..Unless he appears in my rearview mirror.

   Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.

   And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...

   The sworn responsibility of the President of the United States is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Question: When was the last time you heard any of the candidates even mention the Constitution?

   Olive Garden didn't treat me like family. If they did they would've blown cigarette smoke in my face and told me what a disappointment I am.

   Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

   Request to Disneyland to have a 101 Dalmatians attraction where you literally just sit in a room surrounded by 101 Dalmation puppies.

   The Democratic Party presidential race is not yet over, there are still more primaries: Washington, D.C. on June 14th. Gotham City on June 18th. Atlantis on June 22nd. Sim City on June 26th. Mordor on July 1st.

   For lent I'm giving up my valentine ;-)