Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else clean their phone on their boob or is that just me?

   I'm beginning to think my type is just a font. . .

   When you say, "Friends With Benefits"....I assume you own a liquor store.

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   Just read that serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer's house is for sale and no one is interested. I get it though, no one wants to live in Ohio.

   After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I've come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.

   When you're in the shower, you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, now I'll have to fight the attacker naked..."

   Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

   The worst one-liner was probably the Titanic.

   If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   Nothing good ever goes down behind beaded curtains.

   Anybody know where I can purchase a George Zimmerman hoodie?

   I don’t know why people will get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.

   Loves a man in uniform..Unless he appears in my rearview mirror.

   Time to turn over a new leaf. With my luck it'll be poison ivy.

   And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, some of the girls. Fine, one of the girls. It's my mom. My mom says I'm fly.

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...