Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs

   I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

   I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...

   Some people are as useless as a "Sign in" button for Myspace.

   Kinda sad that future generations wont get the joy of watching scrabbled porn..."Is that a boobie or an elbow??...Hmm I dont know but it's gonna have too do"...

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   The difference between "INVOLVED" & "COMMITTED" is like an Egg & Bacon Breakfast, the chicken was INVOLVED and the pig was COMMITTED.

   I can't say "rural" and its really frustrating

   Harold Camping's response......appears to be nonexistent at the moment. Maybe he's in hiding, totally embarrassed by failure or he is at the bank counting his money.

   Once a pun a time, I used to be terrific at wordplay.

   was at a house recently of some people I didn't like when life afforded me the opportunity to empty their bottle of sexual lubrication and replace it with hand sanitizer, On the bright side they should be 99.9% Germ free

   any1 know how to turn your body clock off?? this is just gettin ridiculous at this stage

   "You can add 'Find & kill Osama' to the list of things that happened since Cubs last won World Series."

   Are you ready, boots? Okay, well, let me know when you're ready.

   Why do they report power outages on TV?