Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...

   Some people are as useless as a "Sign in" button for Myspace.

   Kinda sad that future generations wont get the joy of watching scrabbled porn..."Is that a boobie or an elbow??...Hmm I dont know but it's gonna have too do"...

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   The difference between "INVOLVED" & "COMMITTED" is like an Egg & Bacon Breakfast, the chicken was INVOLVED and the pig was COMMITTED.

   I can't say "rural" and its really frustrating

   Harold Camping's response......appears to be nonexistent at the moment. Maybe he's in hiding, totally embarrassed by failure or he is at the bank counting his money.

   Once a pun a time, I used to be terrific at wordplay.