Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I'm as nervous as a postman at a dog show.

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   A braille porn magazine has been launched ths week - complete with explicit raised text and pictures. At least this is one time where looking at porn won't make you go blind.

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   You may attract more flies with honey. But you also attract bears. And those things can rip you to shreds!

   When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz.

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   Police Station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

   The iPad: protecting your data from embarrassing incidents.

   So it's mothers day and I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in Vancouver.

   I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask "Mother,what was war?" -Eva Merriam.

   Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

   ..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..

   I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.

   St. Patricks Day. The only time of the year when people are proud of having a bit of Irish in them.

   .as the Pope visits us here in the U.K.,i ask myself "If Catholics say God looks down on homosexuality,what does He do when your Priests are messing with little boys? Whistle and turn the other way?"

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?