Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was thinking about sending Jay Cutler a consellation prize to ease his pain. Does anyone know his skirt size?

   Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she didnt wake the sleeping pills.

   wants to do something different today so is thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!!!..=D

   first we had mad cow disease, then we had bird flu, now we have swine flu, O.M.F.G it's FARMAGGEDON

   So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

   It's time we stop using the term "Conspiracy Theory" and replace it with "Spoiler Alert."

   Maybe the1 million dollars in gofundme for Jacob Blake should be given to the 14 year old girl he raped instead.

   I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out.

   I just realized that sometimes I can be a little condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   —Mom, what's for dinner? —Nothing, son. Your father studied Graphic Design.

   Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes. But only if you are a billionaire.

   I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...

   When I do the robot dance, I want to make it clear through my movements that I have been programmed and I do not possess free will.

   If you're wondering what to get Charles Manson for his wedding, he's registered at Bed, Bloodbath & Beyond

   Privilege is being given extra consideration based on what box you check for race on your college application.

   A cat jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow that red dot!”

   "Don't stop bereaving."..............Karaoke singer at a Japanese funeral..

   A gynaecologist is the only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure.

   I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.

   Ever since my cell phone fell in to the toilet, I've been getting real sh*tty reception...