Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that you can quietly be a republican, democrat or liberal?

   If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Roses are red, Grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my weiner!

   If your bf/gf is deliberately hiding his/her phone from you, your relationship is over. Sorry.

   Go to Google and type in.... "DO A BARREL ROLL"

   Boobs= not much ass, Ass= no boobs, Ass and Boobs= ugly face, Ass, boobs and nice face= Slut. You can never win

   Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she didnt wake the sleeping pills.

   wants to do something different today so is thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!!!..=D

   first we had mad cow disease, then we had bird flu, now we have swine flu, O.M.F.G it's FARMAGGEDON

   So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

   I was thinking about sending Jay Cutler a consellation prize to ease his pain. Does anyone know his skirt size?

   Maybe the1 million dollars in gofundme for Jacob Blake should be given to the 14 year old girl he raped instead.

   It's time we stop using the term "Conspiracy Theory" and replace it with "Spoiler Alert."

   I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out.

   I just realized that sometimes I can be a little condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   —Mom, what's for dinner? —Nothing, son. Your father studied Graphic Design.

   Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes. But only if you are a billionaire.

   I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...

   When I do the robot dance, I want to make it clear through my movements that I have been programmed and I do not possess free will.

   If you're wondering what to get Charles Manson for his wedding, he's registered at Bed, Bloodbath & Beyond