Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "wants to do a 68, you go down and I'll owe you one. "

   wonders where Puff the Magic Dragon gets the good stuff

   Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

   if you wear dog tags as a "fashion accesory", YOU'RE WRONG!

   Confucius says "Christmas trees are like priests...their balls are just for decoration"......

   **shortest fairly tale**-->once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after..

   She has the lips of an angel But what She does with them, she's probably going to hell

   was just thinking if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter…maybe thats why the Trex was always so angry?

   I blew a speaker in my car today. He was a motivational speaker and he was very convincing.

   I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet & Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie" and actually watch a movie, you're a failure as a man.

   Yes honey you can talk to other guys; I don't mind a little competition. But don't get mad when you have some competition too.

   Putting on a pretty shirt over my muffin top so I can make it a cupcake

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one Fish cant Drown.

   To do list: 1. Poop. 2. I can't do anything until I poop.

   If you don’t believe in gay marriage, don’t marry a gay person.

   The first person who milked a cow... wtf were they doing there?

   Thinking of getting a HUGE TATTOO on my neck....Oh ya, that's a good look!!!

   Never hold your head high with pride or ego. Even the winner of a Gold Medal gets his medal only when he puts his head down.

   Wow it's hot!.....I'm sweating like a Priest at a Cub Scout picnic! ツ