Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   I wonder if stalking your stalker bothers them?

   woke up this morning with an awful hangover and see that there are a lot of male and female cartoon character complaining of a wild night and drunken blackouts. I predict some pretty goofy lookin' babies in 9 months!

   Working on the art of the classic "Farmer Blow" technique. Figure I can save a lot of money on tissues with allergy season here.

   thinks that "beer" might be the real magic word. Forget about "please" (unless, of course, it is following "beer"...)

   if there was any truth in advertising the new KFC Double Down would be called the Double Bypass

   wonders if the neighbors realize just how slow their Internet is...geezus I've been trying to watch 48 hours mystery for the last 2 hours!

   whew... stocks drop 900 points..... wish it were like a married woman and rarely went down

   my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

   1 Hairspray and 2 tons of make up still dont replace brain!!!

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

   It's not my fault when I open my mouth words come out

   let's get 1 thing straight...i work for a living,..i dont live for workin'

   You can be an educated, intelligent, productive person and still smoke and enjoy pot.

   President Obama called for the immediate cessation of hostilities in Gaza today. He went on to warn that if there isn't a peace treaty signed by both sides on his desk by the end of the week, that he has a phone and a pen. "My Will Be Done" -- B. Hussein

   I stopped playing UNO with the Mexicans ,They Cheat They keep stealing all the Green Cards !!

   2 englishmen walk into a dentist... That is it...

   Real Fact : white girl driving...black guy passenger seat

   I saw a homeless guy in a dumpster today. Why would anyone throw away a perfectly good person?