Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

   In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

   I've been watching the price of lumber and wondering if I should sell my house for parts?

   Betty White deserves better than to inherit this mess of a planet when we die

   Just because someone is "woke, it doesn't mean they're sentient.

   the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

   My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive. In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.

   Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice

   My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

   “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

   In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby

   My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

   I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish

   Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.

   My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

   Don't judge a woman by pounds and she won't judge you by inches.

   If Uranus had a country called Europe, you'd be European from Uranus.

   The Rudy Giuliani Song: If you like subpoena coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine....

   Glad to see no horses kneeled for the national anthem during the kentucky derby

   Protestants. Some man didn't like God's version of Christianity (Catholicism), so they decided to fix what God got wrong.