Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.

   I haven't failed, I just found several ways it won't work.

   If you didn't participate in the 10 year challenge. Then you have a PhD in maturity

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".

   Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one year bad luck." Mirror: "Are you kidding, break me you get seven years bad luck." Condom: Ha ha ha, and walks away.

   My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.

   I'm too old to be uncomfortable on purpose.

   Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car!

   A pregnant lady, except it's me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

   "I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

   Avengers: Endgame, Spoiler Alert! Despite impossible odds and seemingly insurmountable obstacles, the good guys still manage to win.

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey! That's my stuff!"?

   I was cleaning out my pantry and found some tang. Unfortunately, it's the kind you drink...

   If you think you can win me over with just food music and a pretty face your damn right!

   Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?