Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there's one place I can't stand... It's an ice rink!

   Back in the day the only problem stores had with customers and toilet papes was keeping them from squeezing the Charmin.

   Took a really beautiful girl out on a date the other night and never knew she had a dental implant until it came out during a conversation.

   The reason stores are running out of toilet paper is because when one person sneezes the other 100 poop themselves. ‬

   idiot post below

   If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

   And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

   My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

   I’m papering walls in the loo, And quite frankly I haven’t a clue. For the pattern’s all wrong, Or the paper’s too long, And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

   Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

   Let’s see how long this $1200 last before the gofundme pages start back up

   You wanna sum up how screwed up 2020 is? It’s April 15th, and the IRS just sent us all money!

   HELP, I'm out of booze, and sobering up.

   I'm at a The Clash concert and I'm not too sure if I'm enjoying it.. Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

   If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

   The most unrealistic part of The Harry Potter books is that teenage boys have an invisibility cloak but aren’t constantly using it to watch the girls of Hogwarts when they are naked in the showers.

   Had the fencing guys out working today putting up a Chain-link fence. Lets see them mosquitoes get in the yard now .

   In an effort to be sensitive to the current atmosphere. Wild Cherry has changed the name of their 1970's hit to simply "Play us an upbeat song Cracker".

   Nobody: Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

   Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date