Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business".

   When they legalize weed you should consider investing in pizza shops.

   The right 1980's power ballad makes everything better.

   shhh, please, shhh

   The Cub's fired the sound guy for playing "smack my btich up" but kept the guy who actually smacked his btich up!!

   Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?

   I hate when a woman says "You probably say that to every girl you meet" Like don't you use the same resume for all the jobs you apply for?

   It's not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

   Every kid who had a framed Lamborghini poster in his bedroom now works at a vape shop.

   Again Mr Jovi, Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

   Many people seem to appreciate my honesty until I'm honest with them. Then I become an azzhole....

   My hobbies include but are not limited to, being difficult for no reason & not responding to texts.

   Whats the best drug to have sex on? BIRTH CONTROL

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite flavor of coffee creamer and also my rap name.....

   COPD is deadly and no one likes dealing with it, whether you are referring to Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, or the Commission On Presidential Debates.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"

   Looking for a vegan alternative to cauliflower.

   Everyone has that one friend who goes on and on about how good roasted pumpkin seeds are. You know, the liar friend.