Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

   The most unrealistic part of The Harry Potter books is that teenage boys have an invisibility cloak but aren’t constantly using it to watch the girls of Hogwarts when they are naked in the showers.

   Had the fencing guys out working today putting up a Chain-link fence. Lets see them mosquitoes get in the yard now .

   In an effort to be sensitive to the current atmosphere. Wild Cherry has changed the name of their 1970's hit to simply "Play us an upbeat song Cracker".

   Nobody: Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

   Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

   2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people

   "Name 1 thing you want to try in the bedroom" Her: "Getting a full 8hrs of sleep"

   You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

   Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.

   Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....

   Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.

   Love going on brewery tours. It's fun watching drunk people pretend to understand science.

   Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

   Just tried natural peanut butter. My week is off to a horrible start.

   This is not how to one chooses the most important person of the country. With a knot in the throat that wouldn't go down. It's always a fight to chose the lesser evil. Why can't it be the other way

   There are only two seasons in America: Flu and Mosquito.

   Political posts on facebook actually makes me miss Farmville requests and pictures of cats and dogs :)

   If you eat a dozen donuts quickly enough you can feel your soul hug you.

   Larry David is somewhere sheading a tear that he won't be playing Bernie Sanders for the next 4 years on SNL.