Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.

   Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!

   STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...

   Little known fact: BILL NYE is short for William New Years Eve

   Some sad news to report on the second day of the new year....Our Hamster, Louie passed this morning, he fell asleep at the wheel

   "The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV

   93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

   Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.

   houseguest: is this a pull out couch me: no we kind of just hope for the best

   Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

   At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.

   An old pair of shoes once owned by Justin Bieber has sold on eBay for $50,000. To be honest, they're a little tight on me.

   Funny thing about folks in Daytona...they hardly ever go to their beach, and complain when other folks do.

   I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.

   My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR.