Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

   Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

   When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

   Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot

   Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.

   You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.

   Diet Journal, day 99: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs...

   I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.

   I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.

   Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns.

   Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .

   ♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫