Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.

   You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.

   Diet Journal, day 99: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs...

   I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.

   I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.

   Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns.

   Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .

   ♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫

   Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   Houston we have a ball game

   Never think of yourself as worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   I wish I could feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class