Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Houston we have a ball game

   Never think of yourself as worthless. Organs go for a lot of money on the black market.

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   I wish I could feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class

   It's all fun and games until someone brings out Monopoly.....

   Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....

   Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.

   Love going on brewery tours. It's fun watching drunk people pretend to understand science.

   Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

   Just tried natural peanut butter. My week is off to a horrible start.

   This is not how to one chooses the most important person of the country. With a knot in the throat that wouldn't go down. It's always a fight to chose the lesser evil. Why can't it be the other way

   There are only two seasons in America: Flu and Mosquito.

   Political posts on facebook actually makes me miss Farmville requests and pictures of cats and dogs :)

   If you eat a dozen donuts quickly enough you can feel your soul hug you.

   Larry David is somewhere sheading a tear that he won't be playing Bernie Sanders for the next 4 years on SNL.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business".

   When they legalize weed you should consider investing in pizza shops.

   The right 1980's power ballad makes everything better.

   shhh, please, shhh