Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...

   A Match(.com), but for socks.

   It's really ironic that usually when I have to show my driver's license it's to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

   My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

   HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!

   I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father.

   I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it

   Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

   I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.

   For all my friends that have had to work from home since the lockdowns I bet you haven't once reheated fish in your own home.

   I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

   Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

   Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

   When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

   Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot