Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you let one of those dancing roadside Statues of Liberty do your taxes... your refund will be a hammer and a bag of tangerines.

   After everything I've been through.... This can't possibly be "as real as it gets"!

   i dont care how much ice cream you have your not gonna put that banana there.

   An apple a day keeps everyone away, if you can only throw it hard enough.

   Psychiatric labels are nice way of sugar coating the fact that some people are just plain a$$holes.

   It's hard to bury the past when you keep digging up old memories.

   Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?

   Diet Journal, day 99: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs...

   I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.

   I don't dwell on past mistakes. I have family for that.

   Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns.

   Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .

   ♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫

   Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals......

   Houston we have a ball game