Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.

   I'm so ugly, when I play Mortal Combat, Scorpion tells me "Stay Over There!".

   does anyone remember when lol meant “laughing out loud” instead of “this is to indicate that this brief text isnt hostile”

   If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.

   Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely

   Personal care products for men: This bottle contains body gel, shampoo, conditioner and moisterizer. For women: This bottle contains treatment for your left knee. For right knee products, check Aisle 7.

   Mint julep or tequila? Happy Kentucky de Mayo!!!

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.

   When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand.

   Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.

   ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees

   Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!

   Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.

   Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?

   Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

   No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.

   I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds

   My dog and I have the same schedule: 6 AM: Wake up 7 AM: Eat breakfast 8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn 9 AM: Play 10 AM: Nap

   One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays. I think about that a lot.