Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're not going to stick to the time you gave me, don't give me a time at all..

   The main difference between fiction and reality, is that fiction has to make sense.

   It wasn't funny. :( I pooped my pants. Okay, so I exaggerated. But I was startled.

   Life should be this simple: do whatever makes you happy until you die.

   Good thing I never got my zodiac sign tattooed.

   First dates in movies always consist of activities that would never work in real life. Oh, paddle boating in a lake... so romantic until the first fight comes 4 seconds in on which person is not pulling their weight.

   I can put a coffee maker next to my bed if I want to!

   Like all moms, there are days when Mother Nature just wants to feel sexy. Somehow, this leads to hurricanes.

   thinks that he has stumbled onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, he hasn't figured out a way to charge people for it.

   having a "Who the hell is Mel Kiper? My mailman knows more about the draft than he does." moment !

   going to make an app called Stephville that way people can gift me items that I need around the house.

   Someone said I met Jim Beam last night but I don't recall.

   Why do they put slow cashiers on the speedy checkouts?

   I hate it when at the drive thru they give you 2 packs of sauce sauce for a 10 nuggets, but 2 packs of ketchup for a large fry! WTF?!

   almost drowned in the shower yesterday, so today I have my life jacket and the voices and I have rehearsed what to do in case of an emergency

   [ ] single [ ] taken [x] dating imaginary person, that's perfect for me

   Am online on facebook only in morning, afternoon, evening and night.. otherwise am busy in study.

   i was sick of partying and thought i'll take a break for few days but this Osama just gave me a reason to party again.. tonight i'll have Osama Shots

   may not be the best, but I'm the best I've ever seen

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody else is reading it?