Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm feeling so good today, I'd like to ask you to high-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Im starting a "stop breeding ugly children boycott" in front of the hospitals

   There is no regulation for the use of foul language in my office. You better f*cking believe I abuse the hell out of that sh*t.

   An email virus caused millions of dollars in damages to home computers around the world this week. Time for some pay back...lets all punch a Nerd in the face!

   I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

   How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on..

   For the record, if my mother ever tells you she uses Oxycontin to remove stains, it's not true.

   a picture speaks a thousand words.. but with photoshop, it tells a thousand lies..

   BBC News: "Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best.

   So what you're saying is "sexist" isn't like "perfectionist" or "saxophonist" and I should take it off the resume.

   Dear Stalker: Stop looking in my windows or I'll flash you......and believe me....it's not pretty!!!

   Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

   it would be pretty sweet if reposts came with audio set to the Price is Right Losing Horn.

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   Everyone wants to wear Gucci. Not everyone wants to go out and get a job.

   There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say"f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get.".

   I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.

   Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.

   You can't judge a book by its cover. I read that on a book cover. It's like a life lesson if you really think about it.