Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Until you called me I couldn't remember the last time I wanted somebody's fingers to break so badly.

   Just got the best massage with happy ending at the new TSA Spa at JFK Airport.

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   this salad would really benefit from more bacon and less of this green stuff.

   They say you can lure more flies with honey than vinegar.... I guess, "a dead turtle" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

   Wishes I came from a country where blacking out while listening to you, was an honor.

   I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

   Nothing in life is free.... Someone always pays!

   Supports Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

   Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

   Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished

   On the road to success, and whoever in my way.............ROADKILL.......

   For the record, if my mother ever tells you she uses Oxycontin to remove stains, it's not true.

   a picture speaks a thousand words.. but with photoshop, it tells a thousand lies..

   BBC News: "Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best.

   So what you're saying is "sexist" isn't like "perfectionist" or "saxophonist" and I should take it off the resume.

   Dear Stalker: Stop looking in my windows or I'll flash you......and believe me....it's not pretty!!!

   Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

   it would be pretty sweet if reposts came with audio set to the Price is Right Losing Horn.

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.