Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

   Nothing in life is free.... Someone always pays!

   Supports Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

   Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

   Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished

   On the road to success, and whoever in my way.............ROADKILL.......

   For the record, if my mother ever tells you she uses Oxycontin to remove stains, it's not true.

   a picture speaks a thousand words.. but with photoshop, it tells a thousand lies..

   BBC News: "Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best.

   So what you're saying is "sexist" isn't like "perfectionist" or "saxophonist" and I should take it off the resume.

   Dear Stalker: Stop looking in my windows or I'll flash you......and believe me....it's not pretty!!!

   Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

   it would be pretty sweet if reposts came with audio set to the Price is Right Losing Horn.

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   Everyone wants to wear Gucci. Not everyone wants to go out and get a job.

   There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say"f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get.".

   I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.

   Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.

   You can't judge a book by its cover. I read that on a book cover. It's like a life lesson if you really think about it.